You’re here looking for funny retirement quotes—let me guess…
- Your friend, coworker, boss, teacher, or even a family member might be retired or nearing retirement, and you’re preparing something special for the occasion. You want to make it fun!
- So, you need funny quotes to write on cakes and cards, send as text messages, or post pictures on social media like Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn to make their day.
- And who knows? Maybe you just retired and now have plenty of time to explore what “meme Says” has said about it. LOL!
Whatever the case, we’ve gathered a huge collection of funny retirement quotes that you can share with friends, colleagues, or even your boss—whether they’re a man or a woman. These witty and hilarious quotes will surely make them smile.
If you’re in a hurry and need a funny retirement quote to spread humor and sarcasm instantly, we’ve categorized them into different sections, making it easy to find the perfect one in no time.
Classic Funny Retirement Quotes
These are classic, funny retirement sayings that everyone can relate to. They’re all about retired life, so if your friend, coworker, or even you have been retired for a while, they’ll hit home.
Even on the retirement day, share these with the person retiring. They’ll have plenty of time to read your messages and cards over and over again, so these sayings and phrases will keep making them laugh for ages!
“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
“Awomen spent ten minutes looking around the shop, then told me that she was a retired librarian. I suspect she thought this was some kind of a bond between us. Not so. On the whole, booksellers dislike librarians.” ― Shaun Bythell
Welcome to funemployment!
This one is my favorite! It’s sensible, witty, and perfect for any retiree. I’m pretty sure they’ll love it—and laugh! (or at least pretend to). LOL.
“Goodbye tension, hello pension!”
And here is another similar one:
“Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!”
“Retirement: It’s like a never-ending coffee break, except you don’t have to go back!”
“Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.”
“Retirement: That magical time when you can do whatever you want… but forget why you walked into the room.”
“Now I wake up and don’t know what day it is… and I love it!”
“I’m retired! Do not ask me to do a damn thing.”
What do you call a retired? Funny Quotes
This is a special list of Meme Says, designed for you to share with your retired friends—especially if they’re athletes, teachers, doctors, or managers.
The name for the doctor had me laughing every time I read it. I’m pretty sure every doctor will love it… unless they’re not happy to be “discharged” from the job!
Here we go!
“What do you call a retired athlete? Runner-been!” ― Mat Waugh
What do you call a retired teacher? A “lesson” planner! ― Meme Says
What do you call a retired doctor? A “medically discharged” professional! ― Meme Says
What do you call a retired boss? A “former manager”—now just managing to relax! ― Meme Says
What do you call a retired coworker? A “worked-out” colleague! ― Meme Says
Funny Retirement Quotes for Coworkers
Coworkers and colleagues share a special bond. They experience different moments together and understand things outsiders never will. Take the first funny retirement quote, for example: “Congrats on not having to pretend to work anymore.” Only colleagues will get that this doesn’t mean they didn’t work—it’s something only coworkers truly understand.
To help you make your coworkers laugh out loud with witty, reliable quotes, I’ve gathered some of the best funny retirement quotes and sayings that apply to any work environment, especially company culture.
I hear retirement is really lonely. I hope you don’t get lonely. If you do, don’t call me; I’ll be at work.
Congrats on not having to pretend to work anymore.
You’re retiring? Great, now who am I supposed to send passive-aggressive Slack messages to? ― Meme Says
Congrats on getting paid for doing absolutely nothing! ― Meme Says
I hate to leave you all here, but I love the idea of me walking out the door more!
Congrats on retiring! Now we can finally stop pretending we read your ‘urgent’ emails. ― Meme Says
We were sad to hear you’re retiring until we realized it means one less person absentmindedly hitting “reply all” needlessly on emails.
Your retirement is making me look bad because now there’s nobody who shows up later and leaves earlier than me.
Congrats on retiring—now we can all pretend to read your emails without actually having to respond! ― Meme Says
You might be excited about retirement, but we’re not throwing you a party because we realize it means we’re each getting some of your work added to ours. ― Meme Says
Congrats on being able to love Mondays again.
Congrats on your retirement! Now we’ll just be staring at the calendar, wondering who’s going to cancel meetings last minute. ― Meme Says
Don’t be one of those boomerang retirees. Even if your job’s still here, we don’t want you to be miserable with us!
Funny Quotes for Boss
These are, in fact, some of the best funny retirement quotes you can share with your boss—and they won’t mind at all. These phrases are a classic reflection of how employees feel about their boss and what they really say to their friends about the work culture. Now, it’s time to say it directly to the boss!
These funny retirement quotes for your boss are relatable, but don’t worry—they won’t be disrespectful.
If you’re the host managing the retirement party for your boss, I’m sure some of these will have the crowd laughing out loud!
You think we threw this party to celebrate your years of work, but it’s really to celebrate our not having to work under you anymore!
I’m so sorry for your loss. No one is ever going to call you “boss” again.
You picked a great time to retire, we were just about to start a revolt against your leadership style.
We’re not celebrating your retirement, we’re celebrating the end of ‘just checking in’ emails at 10 p.m.!
Where will we be without our fearless leader? Oh, that’s right, we’ll be relaxed and happy!
We didn’t throw this party for your retirement—we’re just glad we can finally leave the office on time without hearing your ‘quick meeting’ reminders!
You worked so hard all these years to become what, a couch bum?
This party? It’s not for your years of service, it’s for the freedom we’ll now have from endless meetings and last-minute tasks!
When you retire do you turn into the old version of Boss Baby? Will you be wearing a suit and tie while you nap on the couch?
I’m sorry, I thought you were already retired since we never see you doing any work!
We’re not celebrating your retirement… we’re celebrating that we can now finally use the office printer without you sneaking in first!
It must be so hard leaving us all knowing you’ll actually have to do things for yourself in retirement.
Funny Quotes About Retired People
If you’re already retired, these hilarious phrases will definitely make your day. Now you can truly appreciate just how relatable these quotes are.
These funny phrases capture the lifestyle of retired people. If you’re about to retire, you’ll soon understand just how life changes after retirement!
“My retirement plan is to get up late, avoid traffic, and take naps. So far, it’s working!”
“I worked my whole life so I could retire and do nothing… and now I’m too tired to do anything!”
“The best thing about retirement is that you don’t have to worry about getting caught sleeping at work.”
“Retirement: Twice the husband, half the income!”
“Retirement is when your wife gets twice the husband but only half the income!”
Funny Financial & Pension-Related Retirement Quotes
One step ahead—while women love talking about lifestyle, men often enjoy chatting about finances. So, I’ve gathered some of the funniest finance-related phrases and sayings for those enjoying retirement.
If you’re retired and don’t have millions of dollars in your account, you’ll definitely understand how that feels. LOL!
“Retirement: When you switch from working for money to money working for you… or at least trying to!”
“Retirement is the world’s longest coffee break – enjoy it!”
“Why do they call it retirement when you’re actually more tired than ever?”
“I am officially retired! But my money is still hard at work… unfortunately, it’s on vacation.”
“The only thing that gets a workout after retirement is my wallet!”
Funny Retirement Quotes About Hobbies & Free Time
Here are a few more hilarious retirement lifestyle-related quotes and sayings. These are the best reflections of how retired people live, the hobbies they pick up, and what they do with all that “free time”—which, let’s face it, really means all the time.
If you’re retired, these will definitely make your day!
“I’m retired… but I still wake up at 6 AM. The only difference is now I take a nap at 10 AM!”
“Retirement: Where every day feels like Saturday… except for when the bank is closed!”
“I have so much free time now… and somehow, I’m still always busy!”
“Now I can finally do all the things I never had time for… like forgetting what I was going to do.”
“Retirement: The perfect time to become the person your dog thinks you are.”
Funny Retirement Advice Quotes
Imagine an old man who’s lived his retirement years giving advice to others about retirement. You can’t even imagine how funny that would be, as he knows exactly how quickly things change the day after you retire.
If you’re planning to share some funny retirement advice with any of your friends, here’s what you can offer them!
Retirement is when you stop living at work and start working at living.
This is the best funny retirement advice one can ever get:
Tip for retirement: Wake up. Stretch. Take a nap. Repeat.
This is the best elaboration of how boring life becomes once retirement. So, retire early and get back to work.
You should retire at 35, have fun for 30 years, then go back to work when you’re old and boring.
Don’t worry about what you’ll do in retirement… just be prepared to answer ‘What are you doing today?’ a hundred times.
Now that you’re retired, make sure to tell your spouse: ‘For better or for worse, but not for lunch.
You’re going to have a lot to get rid of now that you’re retired. You can start with the alarm clock!
If you’re looking for something to do now that you’re retired, feel free to mow the lawn any time.
How do you get used to retirement? Just pretend it’s Saturday, every day.
Swap your early morning meeting for a mid-morning tee time. Now you can say you’re retired.
Join all the groups, clubs, and volunteer organizations you never had time for when you were working. You’ll be just as busy as ever; you just won’t be getting paid for it.
You may be tempted to give your work wardrobe to charity now that you’re retired. Go shopping first, or you may end up with nothing to wear!
When people ask what you’ve been doing since retirement, make-up something interesting. No one wants to hear about your afternoon nap.
Famous Hilarious Retirement Quotes
If you’re looking for hilarious retirement quotes from famous people, or funny retirement quotes that became popular for any reason, this section has the funniest, most well-known retirement sayings from celebrated authors and celebrities.
These are perfect for anyone curious about the lifestyle after retirement.
“When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
“Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
“The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.” – Unknown
“Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick
“When you retire, you switch bosses—from the one who hired you to the one who married you!” – Unknown
Bowery King: “You’re not very good at retiring. “John Wick: “I’m workin’ on it.” – John Wick
“I’m going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab.” – Derek Zoolander
“I’ve seen people get old, retire, and die. Rarely on the same day.” – Kaulder
“I’m what you might call retired. It’s a refined name for bum.” – Danny McGuire
“My dad’s the type that would die six months after retiring, so I plan to have him work here forever.” – Rick Harrison
Entertaining Retirement Jokes and One-liners
Lastly, here are some of the funniest short jokes and one-liners you can share with your coworkers and family as they near retirement.
These witty and relatable quotes, coming from famous people, make them even more meaningful and enjoyable!
Retirement: It’s not the end of your life, it’s the end of your bank account!
If I’ve learned one thing from some of the most successful people in life it’s this: Don’t come out of retirement; if it didn’t work for Brett Favre, it can’t work for anyone.
Retirement isn’t that different from work; you still get to use sheets, visit docs, and steal other people’s food out of the fridge.
Retirement sounds like fun, until you realize you’re too old, too broke, and too tired to leave the couch.
What do most people gain after retirement? It would be great to say peace and relaxation, but it’s usually a few extra pounds!
Friend: What are your travel plans after retirement? Retiree: It’s all mapped out; there’s a route from the bed to the couch to the fridge — and back again.
I’m confident these are the best funny retirement quotes that will make any retiree laugh out loud. This collection is perfect for speeches, social media, or even sharing on cards and cakes. No matter the occasion, these witty quotes, sayings, and advice are sure to make their day!