Mark Twain — born Samuel Langhorne Clemens — is often hailed as the greatest humorist the United States has ever produced. And if you’re here, chances are you already appreciate his sharp wit and timeless observations.
But isn’t it wild to think that the man whose humor still makes us laugh and reflect was born nearly two centuries ago?
Even more fascinating is how quotes written over a hundred years ago still feel so relevant to today’s world.
Take this gem, for instance:
“We have the best government that money can buy.” — Mark Twain
How can anyone not relate this to our current era?
Or consider this classic:
“Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
Twain had a unique ability to wrap deep truths in humorous layers. His writing, blending satire, wisdom, and American realism, resonates even more with age.
It’s no wonder William Faulkner once called Samuel Langhorne Clemens (pen name Mark Twain) “the father of American literature.”
So, as a longtime admirer of Twain’s work, I’ve taken great pleasure in collecting some of his funniest quotes — organizing them by theme and tone. Whether you’re a lifelong fan, a quote collector, or simply in need of clever inspiration, this curated list of Mark Twain’s funniest quotes will surely entertain you.
For Fans of Humor & Wit: Classic Humor That Never Gets Old
Whether you’re already a fan of Mark Twain’s work or you were simply searching for funny quotes by celebrities or famous authors, you’re in for a treat. In this section, you’ll find a classic collection of evergreen, hilarious quotations from the great humorist himself — Mark Twain.
I’m pretty sure these quotes will not only make you laugh out loud but also turn you into an even bigger admirer of Twain’s straightforward wit and sharp satire.
“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.” — Mark Twain
“We have the best government that money can buy.” — Mark Twain
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” — Mark Twain
“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.” — Mark Twain
“‘Classic.’ A book which people praise and don’t read.” — Mark Twain
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” — Mark Twain
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” — Mark Twain
“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” — Mark Twain
“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” — Mark Twain
“Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.” — Mark Twain
“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” — Mark Twain
“There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.” — Mark Twain
“Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man’s enjoyment of his cigar.” — Mark Twain
“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.” — Mark Twain
“A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.” — Mark Twain
“Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town?” — Mark Twain
“If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.” — Mark Twain
“There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.” — Mark Twain
“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.” — Mark Twain
“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” — Mark Twain
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” — Mark Twain
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” — Mark Twain
“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” — Mark Twain
“Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink – under any circumstances.” — Mark Twain
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.” — Mark Twain
“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” — Mark Twain
“April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.” — Mark Twain
“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” — Mark Twain
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” — Mark Twain
“Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.” — Mark Twain
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.” — Mark Twain
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” — Mark Twain
“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.” — Mark Twain
“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” — Mark Twain
“Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” — Mark Twain
“I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate… and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.” — Mark Twain
“How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.” — Mark Twain
“Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.” — Mark Twain
“The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world…” — Mark Twain
“Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.” — Mark Twain
“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.” — Mark Twain
“I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.” — Mark Twain
“It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.” — Mark Twain
“I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.” — Mark Twain
“His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.” — Mark Twain
“It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.” — Mark Twain
“Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed.” — Mark Twain
“The funniest things are the forbidden.” — Mark Twain
“If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don’t tell them he’s a damned fool, they’ll never find out.” — Mark Twain
“I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.” — Mark Twain
“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” — Mark Twain
“He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients—no, three, I think—yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.” — Mark Twain
“That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.” — Mark Twain
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Best Funny Quotes For Philosophers and Thinkers
If you’re someone who loves finding logic behind everything or enjoys diving into thought-provoking philosophies, this section is for you.
Here, you’ll discover some of Mark Twain’s most hilarious quotes that carry surprisingly deep meanings — quotes that reveal truths about human nature, culture, and the reality we often overlook within ourselves.
Whether these words strike a chord with your current mood or simply tickle your intellect, this collection is sure to resonate with your thoughts and experiences. And if not that, Twain’s classic humor will still leave you laughing — and maybe even a little speechless.
“If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.” — Mark Twain
“The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy – give one and take ten.”— Mark Twain
“Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.” — Mark Twain
“Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community…” — Mark Twain
“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very’; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” — Mark Twain
“I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.” — Mark Twain
“The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.” — Mark Twain
“The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.” — Mark Twain
“I am only human, although I regret it.” — Mark Twain
“I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God’s fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.” — Mark Twain
“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.” — Mark Twain
“Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.” — Mark Twain
“The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.” — Mark Twain
“But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?” — Mark Twain
“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” — Mark Twain
“Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
“God created war so that Americans would learn geography.” — Mark Twain
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain
“Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.” — Mark Twain
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” — Mark Twain
“The most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.” — Mark Twain
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” — Mark Twain
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”— Mark Twain
“The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.” – Mark Twain
“I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.” – Mark Twain
“The proverb says, ‘Born lucky, always lucky,’ and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky… I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.” – Mark Twain
“Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.” – Mark Twain
“Behold, the fool saith, ‘Put not all thine eggs in the one basket’—which is but a matter of saying, ‘Scatter your money and your attention’; but the wise man saith, ‘Put all your eggs in the one basket and—WATCH THAT BASKET.’” – Mark Twain
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell—you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain
“I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.” – Mark Twain
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For Animal Lovers
Cats and dogs are more than just pets — they’re a part of our lives. Most of us love at least one of them for a reason, and if you’re an animal lover too, these hilarious sayings are bound to brighten your day.
This collection of everlasting funny quotes about animals, especially cats and dogs, will definitely resonate with today’s experiences and remind you why we adore these furry companions so much.
“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”— Mark Twain
“Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”— Mark Twain
“A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.”— Mark Twain
For Lovers of Satire
If you enjoy sharp wit, biting irony, and truths wrapped in clever humor, this section will have you and your friends laughing out loud.
As mentioned earlier, Mark Twain was a true master of humor and satire. He exposed society’s flaws, human behavior, and political absurdities in ways so clever and fearless that his quotes are still shared widely today — on social media, in text messages, on WhatsApp, on Instagram, and beyond.
These quotes go beyond just making you laugh — they carry deeper meanings that are easy to relate to, making you both think and smile at the same time.
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”— Mark Twain
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.”— Mark Twain
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”— Mark Twain
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”— Mark Twain
“Sacred cows make the best hamburger.”— Mark Twain
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”— Mark Twain
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”— Mark Twain
“Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.”— Mark Twain
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” — Mark Twain
“Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, this is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.” — Mark Twain
“All generalizations are false, including this one.” — Mark Twain
“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.” — Mark Twain
“A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn’t make fun of another man’s cross-eyed aunt.”— Mark Twain
“It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.”— Mark Twain
“No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.”— Mark Twain
Another list to make you laugh loud: Hilarious Funny Quotes for Teachers You’ll Relate To
On Society and Government
Society and government have always had their share of problems — mostly because they depend on the complex and often irrational collective behavior of people. Mark Twain had a brilliant eye for observing these issues and highlighted them through humor and satire like no one else.
If you ever feel like speaking your mind about society or government — whether on social media, in a meeting, or just among friends — using one of Twain’s funny quotes can help you make your point, get a few laughs, and avoid being judged too harshly. Because when it comes from Twain, truth hits differently — and hilariously.
“A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong.”— Mark Twain
“Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it.”— Mark Twain
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”— Mark Twain
“All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.”— Mark Twain
“There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It’s dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.”— Mark Twain
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”— Mark Twain
“I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created… whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.”— Mark Twain
“We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read.” – Mark Twain
“Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb… Man waits not for time nor tide.” – Mark Twain
“The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world…” – Mark Twain
“To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.” – Mark Twain
“A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom…” – Mark Twain
On Life and Personal Reflections
If you’re looking to share funny quotes about life or personal reflection, this curated list is just what you need. You’ll find hilarious sayings that resonate with every moment you’re experiencing.
“What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.” – Mark Twain
“One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her; and the rule applies to Niagara Falls, to majestic mountains, and to mosques—especially to mosques.” – Mark Twain
“I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it… I hate the very name of opera—partly because of the nights of suffering I have endured in its presence, and partly because I want to love it and can’t.” – Mark Twain
“The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.” — Mark Twain
“What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.” — Mark Twain
“A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?” — Mark Twain
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” — Mark Twain
“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” — Mark Twain
“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”— Mark Twain
“In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.” — Mark Twain
“Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.'” — Mark Twain
“Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.” — Mark Twain
“Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.” — Mark Twain
“The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.” — Mark Twain
“I have heard it said that a man is known by the company he keeps. But I prefer to judge a man by the company who keeps him.” — Mark Twain
“There isn’t often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.” — Mark Twain
On Age and Birthday
If you want to share funny quotes on birthdays or age, here you go!
You can use these classic quotes about age and birthdays to share with your friends, colleagues and on social media.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain
This is often humorously tied to New Year’s resolutions or birthday goals.
“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.” — Mark Twain
In a nutshell, we’ve curated a long list of incredible, classic funny quotes by Mark Twain that resonate with everyone and can be related to today’s situations.
Whether you were searching for the greatest funny quotes of all time to share with your coworkers, family or to make your social media followers laugh out loud, these Mark Twain quotes are sure to brighten your day.